Sometimes the smallest detail—a familiar scent from the kitchen, the sound of a screen door closing, or a song on the radio—can pull us right back into childhood. Those little reminders carry the comfort of bedtime stories, weekend breakfasts, and family routines that quietly told us, you belong here.

For children in foster care, the loss of those daily rituals can bring profound sadness and grief. Even when a move was necessary for safety, it’s still a loss: different adults, a different home, sometimes a different school, neighborhood, language, or community. Children may be grieving people they love, traditions they’re used to, and the sense of “normal” they once had.

As a foster parent or caregiver, you’re being asked to provide safety and stability—and also something deeper: a sense of home that makes room for all of who a child is. That includes honoring a child’s language, religion, gender identity, race, cultural norms, and personal history. Supporting identity doesn’t mean you have to share the same background. It means you commit to being respectful, curious, and consistent, so a child doesn’t feel like they have to change themselves to be accepted.

Below are practical ways to support a child’s identity while they’re in your care.

1. Honor their personal history

Children need to know their past isn’t shameful or “off limits,” even when it’s complicated.

• Speak about a child’s family of origin with respect and care
• Allow conversations about parents, siblings, and loved ones without judgment
• Welcome photos, keepsakes, comfort items, and meaningful routines (when safe and appropriate)
• Avoid pressure to “move on” quickly; grief often shows up in waves

2. Respect their culture and traditions

Cultural identity can be a powerful anchor in a season when everything feels unfamiliar.

• Learn about and acknowledge cultural holidays, foods, language, and customs
• Include books, toys, music, and media that reflect the child’s culture and community
• Provide hair and skin care that fits the child’s needs, and seek guidance when you’re learning
• Connect the child with mentors, community spaces, or cultural events that feel familiar

3. Provide gender-affirming and identity-affirming care

Children and youth do best when they feel emotionally and physically safe being themselves.

• Use the child’s chosen name and pronouns (and advocate for that respect in other settings)
• Support clothing, hairstyles, and self-expression that align with who they are
• Make your home emotionally safe: no teasing, shaming, or “jokes” about identity
• Be prepared to listen and learn—many youth are still figuring out what feels true for them

4. Maintain connections that matter (when safe and appropriate)

Children often hold their identity through relationships and community.

• Support contact with siblings and extended family when it is safe and permitted
• Encourage ongoing connections with teachers, friends, coaches, faith leaders, or trusted adults
• Advocate for continuity in school or activities when possible
• Understand that maintaining connections can ease separation grief and reduce feelings of isolation

5. Validate feelings and make space for complexity

Children in care may feel sadness, anger, relief, guilt, loyalty, hope—sometimes all at once.

• Normalize mixed emotions and avoid pushing a child to “pick a side” between past and present
• Offer steady reassurance, such as: “All parts of you are welcome here.”
• Respond to big emotions with calm structure rather than punishment or shame
• Remember that behavior is often communication, especially during transitions

6. Include their voice in everyday decisions

When so much has been decided for a child, small choices can restore dignity and control.

• Ask preferences about food, clothing, room setup, bedtime routines, and activities
• Offer choices that are realistic and appropriate (“Would you like pasta or tacos?”)
• Invite input on cultural or religious participation
• Collaborate on routines so the child feels included rather than managed

7. Create predictable, caring daily routines

Consistency builds safety. Small rituals can become a “soft landing” in a new home.

• Keep mornings, meals, and bedtime as predictable as possible
• Build simple rituals: bedtime stories, music while cooking, Sunday pancakes, a nightly check-in
• Allow space for old traditions to be remembered while new ones are gently formed
• Understand that trust often grows through repeated experiences of stability

8. Celebrate what makes them unique—and stay a curious learner

Identity is also strengths, interests, and dreams.

• Encourage hobbies, talents, and activities that build confidence
• Notice effort and growth, not just outcomes
• Ask open-ended questions and listen to understand, not to correct
• Stay humble: it’s okay not to know everything, as long as you’re willing to learn

Supporting a child’s identity is one of the most meaningful ways to help them feel safe and seen. It tells them, You don’t have to shrink to belong here. At Common Sense, we believe there are no unwanted children—just unfound families. And for many children, belonging begins with a caregiver who protects their story while helping them build a new sense of home.